Sage Of The Shadows

It is one of those questions that appears everywhere: in interviews, on social media, in conversations between friends, family, loved ones…

For the longest time, I looked at that question differently than most people I know.

Giving advice is easy. In fact, it is one of the easiest things we do. Someone tells us about a problem, and almost instinctively, we begin searching for a solution.

Why?

We want to fix what is broken. We want to protect others from making the same mistakes we once made. Deep down, most of us genuinely believe we are helping and most of the time, our intentions are good. The problem is that good intentions do not always create good advice.

Without realizing it, we begin believing that our experiences should become someone else’s life. We assume that because something worked for us, it will work for them. We also believe we have already walked the road they are standing on, so naturally we know where it leads.

But do we really?

Every person carries a different experience, fears, dreams. Even when two people seem to be facing the exact same situation, they are not standing in the same place emotionally, mentally, or physically. That is why advice is far more complicated than simply telling someone what we would do.

Of course, there are moments when people genuinely come to us because they need help. They are overwhelmed, confused, or simply unable to see a way forward. There is nothing wrong with asking for guidance, and there is nothing wrong with offering it. We have all been on both sides of that conversation ourselves.

However, over the years I have started noticing something interesting. Very often, the person asking for advice already has an answer. Maybe bot a complete or perfect one yet, but at least has a direction. More often than not, they are not searching for someone to solve their problem. They are searching for confirmation that the choice they secretly want to make is reasonable.

Think about how many conversations begin with, “I know this might sound crazy, but…” or “I’ve been thinking about doing this…”

Sometimes those words are not meant for us to take control of the situation. They are invitations for us to listen. I have experienced this countless times with different people, and I have caught myself doing exactly the same thing. Looking back, I rarely wanted someone else to make the decision for me. I wanted someone to reassure me that I was not completely irrational for leaning toward the choice I had already made in my mind.

Of course, this is not true for everyone or every situation. But I have seen it happen often enough to wonder whether advice is sometimes less about providing answers and more about helping someone trust their own.

So, if I had to give one life-changing tip, it would ironically be this:

Be careful when giving life-changing advice. Before offering solutions, ask questions. Try to understand what the other person is actually asking.

Sometimes the best thing we can offer is not another opinion but genuine curiosity. A thoughtful question can often help someone reach their own answer far better than a confident lecture ever could.

Is that so simple? Of course no!

There is another side to advice that worries me even more. It is the moment when advice quietly transforms into control.

“Don’t study there. You’ll never find a job.”

“Don’t date that person. I have a bad feeling about them.”

“Don’t move to another city. You’ll regret it.”

When we tell someone what they should want, who they should love, or which path they should avoid, we are no longer sharing our perspective. We are attempting to write someone else’s story before they have had the chance to write it themselves. The truth is painfully simple: we do not know what the future holds.

The university we discourage might become the place where they meet lifelong friends. The city we tell them not to move to might become the place where they finally feel at home. The relationship we warn them about might become the happiest chapter of their life… or it might become the lesson they needed to grow.

If we truly want to help others, perhaps our role is not to decide their future, but perhaps our role is to help them think more clearly, to ask questions they may not have considered, to share our experiences, to remind them that every choice carries both risk and possibility. Because at the end of the day, they are the ones who will live with the consequences, not us.

So if I had to leave you with one piece of advice, it would not be “follow your dreams” or “never give up.”

It would be much simpler:

Listen before you advise and ask before you assume. And when someone trusts you enough to ask for guidance, do not take the decision from their hands. Help them see the decision more clearly, then let them decide how they want to live moving forward.